{"id":99,"date":"2010-05-18T21:42:15","date_gmt":"2010-05-18T20:42:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/2010\/05\/18\/a-life-of-complete-silence-2-working-at-work-working-at-home\/"},"modified":"2010-05-18T21:52:01","modified_gmt":"2010-05-18T20:52:01","slug":"a-life-of-complete-silence-2-working-at-work-working-at-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/2010\/05\/18\/a-life-of-complete-silence-2-working-at-work-working-at-home\/","title":{"rendered":"A life of complete Silence #2 – Working at work, working at home"},"content":{"rendered":"

Following my last post, (A life of complete silence<\/a>) I\u2019ve decided to write a bit more about how my life has changed in recent weeks. Its been a very frustrating time, and there have been many moments of where I\u2019ve not been able to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel. There are a few other difficult times going on at the moment, we are having the<\/em> worst luck trying to sell our house. We are desperate to move, and have been for some time. We outgrew this house when I was pregnant with our second child. Said child is nearly a year and a half now, and as a family of four, we are squeezed into this little end terrace, along with much of our stuff, in a house that also needs a lot of work doing to it. They say that moving house ranks very highly in the most stressful times anyone can go through \u2013 do you think that losing a limb, or a sense is also up there? If it isn\u2019t, it should be.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m likening some of my experiences to be similar to when people have been hearing and then gone hard of hearing, or deaf later on in life. You get used to whatever you\u2019ve got and when it changes, regardless of what level you were at the beginning, it has a huge impact on your life and emotions. My experience is just at the other end of the spectrum in terms of what has been lost, but I imagine it has a pretty similar.<\/p>\n

I feel quite lost at the moment. I\u2019m finding myself holed up more and more at home preferring to spend time alone with my children, or on the computer where it\u2019s far easier to communicate with my friends. I feel like I\u2019m having to learn how to adapt which to me, is annoying. Consciously having to change the way you do many things when you\u2019ve been used to another way since birth, is definitely annoying.<\/p>\n

The last three weeks have possibly been the hardest three weeks of my life. There has been no time to get to grips with my new situation at my own pace, life has still had to go on. I\u2019ve still had to be a mother to my two girls, I\u2019ve still had to go to work and earn my pennies. I\u2019ve still had to shop for food, deal with surveyors coming to look at my house and get my train tickets from the station. It hasn\u2019t been just the practical side of things though, its also been the realisation that this is possibly how it\u2019s going to be for the rest of my life. My youngest daughter isn\u2019t talking yet other than the odd \u201cbyebye\u201d and \u201cbook\u201d, so it breaks my heart that I won\u2019t ever hear her talk. The memory of the sound of my oldest daughter talking is fading fast, although I\u2019ve been rather fascinated with the fact that I can actually lip-read accents. I never knew how good my lip-reading skills were.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve never used my eyes more than I have done in the last 3 weeks. I have been so tired, constantly watching out for things and lip-reading every single person more intently than I did before. My ears were pretty useless before, but now they are redundant, I realise just how much I relied on that little bit of hearing, a hearing aid was able to assist with.<\/p>\n

I am extremely lucky in that my colleagues and my boss (who is ace by the way) have been so accommodating. My normal day to day job, requires speaking with the general public and taking down information that legally has to be absolutely correct. As I work in a small office, with a very good solid door, the surroundings are almost perfect for working on a one-on-one basis to do my job when you can\u2019t hear very well. It can be a bit of a pain in the summer, when it\u2019s warm and you want the window open \u2013 passing cars create very irritating distractions! But on the whole, it is quiet in my office and I always managed quite well, using pen and paper for those \u201cI am just not getting this\u201d moments. <\/p>\n

With no hearing at all, I cannot deal with the public full stop. Even if it wouldn\u2019t be seen as rather unprofessional to conduct every single interview with pen and paper (not to mention time consuming), I can\u2019t see the general public being extremely tolerant of it and anyway, my confidence has been lost altogether. Birmingham is an amazing city. The ethnic race is hugely vast with people from all over the world settling here and consequently having babies, getting married and passing away. As much as I love meeting people from all walks of life, it did mean it was much harder for me to catch on to the names and accents. With no hearing aid to assist me now, I have no \u201cback up\u201d. I cannot simply pick and choose who walks through my door, I cannot do my job.<\/p>\n

I have been given lots of work to do that is normally spread out to the staff working in my department. I am dealing with the post, creating spreadsheets and sorting out paperwork. It\u2019s fantastic that my bosses are finding me work to do, and being very understanding about the whole thing. But I\u2019m not happy about the prospect of doing this long term \u2013 always having to ask for work once my last job was finished. I like to think I am a quick worker, I\u2019ve always thrived being a working woman. Sure I get days when I really don\u2019t want to go into work and would rather have a duvet day \u2013 doesn\u2019t everyone? But ultimately I am a working woman, and I enjoy earning my pennies. The idea of not doing the job I applied for and was offered, the job I have been doing for the last 3 years \u2013 is quite frankly going to get me down after a while. I feel really trapped \u2013 what am I going to do?<\/p>\n

We had a meeting last week. I think I might be the only person on earth who likes meetings. I love the idea of sitting around one large table, and being given a chance to discuss current issues within our working environment and the jobs we do. Last week, I sat for a whole hour \u2013 I tried to follow but I didn\u2019t get a word. My boss very helpfully sent me an e mail afterwards detailing the matters that had been discussed, but it\u2019s not the same is it? I am going to need a note taker I think.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019m part of the office anymore, socially they are still lovely people but if I\u2019m not doing my job properly \u2013 am I really<\/em> part of the team? I know people understand, but that won\u2019t stop them from potentially getting a bit annoyed on a very busy day, about the fact that there is someone being paid to do a job, but isn\u2019t actually doing it. This is my biggest worry.<\/p>\n

Home life has changed in quite a big way. I am getting fed up of not being able to understand the Big One. She is such a dear little girl, her sign language is improving every day but she\u2019s only four \u2013 she doesn\u2019t quite understand change in the way that I need her to and she talks like a four year old does with the patience of a four year old. I am so proud of her being my little helper though. She tells me when the Small One has woken up from her nap, she also tells me if someone has knocked the door (why they don\u2019t ring the doorbell which then flashes my lights I do not know) and she tells me when the toast has popped up \u2013 however this may be because she\u2019s ready for toast, rather than the actual letting me know the toaster made a noise \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

What worries me, or perhaps scares me, the most is their safety. Deaf people, with no hearing at all, or who choose and prefer not to wear hearing aids, have children all over the world and are amazing parents so why am I so worried? I feel like my safety net has been pulled from beneath me and I am exhausted with constantly checking on them, checking they\u2019re not talking to me (I am getting rather a lot of bruises on my arm however, from the Big One tapping me on the shoulder every 2 minutes!!) or they\u2019re upset. I felt awful when the Small One had apparently tripped over and banged her head and was crying and I didn\u2019t know. She came up to me in tears, and I was so cross that I hadn\u2019t been alerted earlier \u2013 the hearing aid would have picked it up \u2013 perhaps not as it happened, but definitely earlier. I gave her the biggest cuddle, mother\u2019s guilt is such a horrible thing.<\/p>\n

I did a good thing today that I must write about \u2013 think of the positive things, even if the negative things feel like they outweigh. Despite all my worries and scares about facing the big wide world with no hearing, this morning I met a very good and old family friend in the local park. After a short wander around, we popped into the cafe. My friend needed the toilet, and I was very tempted to say \u201cso do I\u201d. I didn\u2019t need to go, but I didn\u2019t want to be alone in the cafe on my own with the girls in case some one spoke to me. Instead, I swallowed and said that I would order while she was away and what did she want. And I did just that. I ordered a coke, an apple juice, a pot of tea. Plus a slice of carrot cake and Victoria sponge (carrot cake for me, oh yes). The man said something. I didn\u2019t understand \u2013 I simply repeated what I had ordered \u2013 in hoping that he\u2019d find the answer to his question in there somewhere. I think it worked as he nodded in response. I then said something that I\u2019ve never really wanted to say before \u2013 its not because I\u2019m ashamed, far from it. I just hate the awkwardness that can sometimes come with it, and I hate the uncomfortable feeling of \u201cannouncing\u201d that then often makes the other person think \u201co\u2026\u2026.k\u2026\u2026.?\u201d but today I said it and he accepted what I said with a smile and I lip-read him say \u201cdon\u2019t worry\u201d. All I said was \u201cSorry, I\u2019m Deaf, I can\u2019t hear at all\u201d.<\/p>\n

I fear I am rambling again, not really making much sense or keeping to the topic on hand. I can see that I am writing paragraphs and paragraphs about one little thing and not really being very informative or explanatory. I do apologise, but it helps me to just let my mind wander and type as I go.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve written to the Guardian by the way, I love to write and I want to write in a more formal way \u2013 about life as a Deaf person and a Deaf parent. I haven\u2019t heard back yet, but I really hope I do. I hope that my last few rather, emotive posts, don\u2019t put them off. But I know I could do it and write engaging articles that could open the general public\u2019s eyes on life in silence \u2013 and how good we can be at it. Or at least I think I could. Worth a try eh? \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Following my last post, (A life of complete silence) I\u2019ve decided to write a bit more about how my life has changed in recent weeks. Its been a very frustrating time, and there have been many moments of where I\u2019ve not been able to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel. There […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=99"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":103,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/99\/revisions\/103"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=99"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=99"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thedeafone.co.uk\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=99"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}