I feel I owe my regular readers an explanation.

I am sorry for not being a regular blogger over the last few weeks. Normally at this time, people who have just had a CI and have a blog, write regularly with their updates and stories, I’ve kept a low profile, passing the time away talking about Tinnitus Awareness week and um, nothing much else.

I feel almost embarrassed to write to be quite honest. And I’m frankly, scared to write too.

I have harped on for months now, about the wonders of the CI and how utterly brilliant it was going to be for me. And my main idea was that anyone who was thinking of a CI for themselves, should they stumble across this blog; would find helpful answers and support towards their decision by reading this my witterings.

I love writing, it would be my dream to make a career out of writing and taking photographs. But I know this is a tad unrealistic – I’m not that good. However I really have, over the last few months enjoyed having my two blogs – this one to write on, and the other to share my photographs to fill in that gap of yearning, just a little bit.

My blogging mojo for both writing and sharing photos, completely disappeared when I felt that I had fallen flat on my face, after struggling to get to grips with the CI. I feel silly about all the good things I wrote – but also worried that I’ll put people off getting a CI. I am also in denial a little bit, and not really wanting to write much about the negatives as it means facing up to them.

The truth is this:

I still have faith in Cochlear Implants. I still have faith in the system, the product, the audiologists, the procedure and the whole idea that is the most fantastic super hearing aid ever. I know too many people where it has been a huge success story for me not to have faith. I have read too many blogs by people who have taken to it really well, to not believe in them and I did enough research prior to my journey, for it not to make sense in my head.

But I feel at this stage, that it’s simply not going to work for me.

It may be, that time is still what I need. I hope and hope every day that one day I’ll be reading back on this and laughing at my impatience. It’s “only” been 5 and a half weeks after all, since I was switched on.

But it feels like so much longer than that when every day you hope this’ll be the day you notice that slight improvement.

By now I SHOULD have had SOME improvement, surely? It shouldn’t be like it was on day one STILL should it?

Time and time again, I read articles and blogs, watch videos of documentaries of other people’s experiences, none of them describe it how I do. Most talk of changes within days, or weeks. Not months.

What happens next?

I’ve got to keep trying, I owe it to myself, my family and friends who have supported me so wonderfully. My audiologists and my consultants who have taken such great care of me from their medical perspective. I will keep trying, I will keep wearing it. But it’s so damn hard.

Each day, I force myself to put it on, dreading it. Each day I find myself wearing it less and less. Can I be honest here? There have even been some days when I haven’t worn it at all. I’m just in despair, it’s so hard to tolerate. The distortion drives me crazy and I cannot cope with it on for long. If there had been the slightest improvement, the tiniest hint of clarity, that would be all I needed, to motivate me, to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But it hasn’t happened. This is getting me down a lot. As you’ll know, I had such high hopes for the CI so I’ve had to reassess a lot of my expectations. I’m due back at work very soon, I’m on annual leave at the moment – but I know for sure that even in a month there is no way I’ll be able to use the CI at work, so that’ll bring my usage down even more.

I’m feeling sheepish, disappointed, angry, embarrassed, upset, frustrated, annoyed and most of all, a bit of a let down. I am not someone who gives up easily, I really am not. I am worried people will think I’m giving up at the first hurdle. I promise you I’m not.

The only thing keeping me going is that I cannot find a single story anywhere, where a Cochlear Implant has failed for someone. It may be that it has happened – in fact it must have happened. But it’s not recorded anywhere I can find online or on paper. So therefore that must give me hope.